laughter is the best medicine (unless you're a crazy person in the loony bin; then you need real meds.)

here are some jokes/ funny paragraphs from ma dad's collection of Reader Digests

1) Late one night a burglar broke into a house. He froze when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward.
"Jesus is watching!" the voice boomed again. The robber stopped dead in his tracks and frantically looked all around. He spotted a parrot in a cage.
"Was that you?" asked the burglar.
"Yes." answered the parrot.
The criminal sighed in relief and asked, "What is your name?"
"Clarence." said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."


2) The young sailor and the pirate take turns regaling each other with their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch.
Curious, the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
the pirate replies, "I was swept overboard, and a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" says the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Boarding an enemy ship," says the pirate. "One of their men cut me hand clean off."
"Incredible!" says the sailor. "And the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into me eye," replies the pirate.
"You lost your eye because of a sea gull?"
"Well," says the pirate. "that was me first day with the hook."